


Not Without You

by klawhawser



Series: somebody who catches you [7]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec Lightwood Loves Magnus Bane, Ghost!Magnus, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, M/M, Magnus Bane Loves Alec Lightwood, Sad Alec Lightwood, Self-Harm, Self-Harming Alec Lightwood, Ten Trails Whump Challenge 2020, Trail 7: Road to Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-22
Updated: 2020-10-22
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:42:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27146098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/klawhawser/pseuds/klawhawser
Summary: Ever since Alec visited Magnus, Alec grew devastated. He cut himself and to his surprise, Magnus came from the other side. Will Magnus choose to stay with Alec or he has to leave Alec again?Sequel for(Belated) Happy BirthdayFor Ten Trails Whump Challenge by yuckwhump on Tumblr!Trail 7: Road to Recovery – Self-Harm, October 21st
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Series: somebody who catches you [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1945585
Comments: 2
Kudos: 31
Collections: Ten Trails Whump Challenge 2020





	Not Without You

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is the seventh theme on Trail 7: Road to Recovery, Self-Harm. Enjoy!  
> TW for Self-Harm

Alec tried to be happy.

He really did.

Ever since his visit to Magnus’, he’s been trying to dull the numbness on his heart, by doing his job in a meticulous way. He finished reports on time, trained with Jace, patrolled with other shadowhunters, even had a meeting with the Clave regularly. Everyone gave him time to grieve, but he always kept saying that he’s fine.

He can fool everyone from outside, but inside it’s a different story. It was hard for him to believe that Magnus is gone. He was dead. And it broke him that they parted because of Alec insecurities.

It was no secret that Alec always visited Magnus every day. A widower in grieve, that’s what the rumor was spreading in the Institute. Alec knew perfectly it was too late, but he kept visiting him, to make up the lost time they had. Magnus was still his save haven. He always left on lunch break and back two hours later and no one would question where did he go and his tears rimmed eyes. Whenever he visited Magnus’ grave, he always brought a bouquet of calla lily and striped carnation with him. And every visit he kept apologizing for what he did.

And so, he punished himself.

Recently, he had found interest with his seraph blade. It was laden with Magnus’ magic, increasing his accuracy. It was the only weapon he had which still had the connection with his magic, beside his bow and arrow.

At first, he was only staring his seraph blade that would glow light blue whenever Alec was in danger. Alec always thought how sweet of him, to always took care of Alec even though Magnus wasn’t here anymore. He needed Magnus. Needed his presence so much. With trembling hands, he aimed the tip of the blade on his left forearm, near his wrist.

He gasped when a trickle of blood began forming. He felt the cut pulsing and it was very captivating he can’t tear his gaze away from it.

He needed more.

He made another incision just below the first one.

“ _Alexander_.”

He jolted. In a quick motion he covered his bleeding arms with his long-sleeved t-shirt and turned his head to the familiar voice he longed to hear once more.

“Magnus?

No. It can’t be true. He stiffened as his seraph blade made a clang as it hit the ground. He couldn’t hide his shock, as Magnus was there standing just a few feet away from him.

Magnus looked real; his eyeliner was ever present with necklace dangled from his neck to his smooth, unblemished, and toned chest. The difference was Magnus just a little bit transparent to his liking.

Alec shook his head, trying to prove that his eyes didn’t play dirty tricks on him.

Magnus is still there, looking at Alexander with a fond smile and teary eyes.

“I’m here, Alexander.”

Hearing Magnus uttered his name, he broke down. Hot, fat tears pouring down his cheek and Alec choked on his sobs. He couldn’t think straight. His mind whirred thinking whether it was real or it was just a fragment of his imagination. Maybe it was ghost Magnus trying to haunt Alec for his past mistake.

Pushing his questions aside, he dashed toward Magnus, to hugged him. He missed Magnus so much he wouldn’t bother to check if he was real or not. As soon as Magnus was within his arms reach, he was gone.

He stumbled forward and looked around frantically. He swore on Angel itself that it was really Magnus.

“Magnus?”, Alec called.

His bedroom stayed still, with no evidence Magnus was ever here.

____

The next day, Alec was sure he was out of his mind. He was going insane. There was no way Jace and Izzy would believe him if he told that last night Magnus visited his room because he cut himself.

In fact, those two can never know that Alec hurt himself. He couldn’t risk to make his siblings worried about him. They already had enough plate to worry about their loved ones. Alec wasn’t selfish enough to add more their burden.

Therefore, Alec would try again tonight. He’d made sure that Magnus answered all of his questions before he disappears again.

That morning, Alec was jittery. His heart raced and couldn’t calm down. He was so anxious he didn’t do anything today. He waited for lunchtime to visit Magnus again. After making sure to let the others know that any paperwork will have to wait for tomorrow, he sat himself on his office.

What would Magnus said if he saw him again?

Magnus would probably disappointed in him. But he really needed to know what happened back then. Why Catarina didn’t contact him immediately. The memory still fresh in his mind, how he begged to his siblings that he didn’t want to see Magnus again when he heard the news. 

His heart hollowed just thinking about Magnus. It wasn’t because he was still angry with Magnus. No, Alec never told anyone but he forgave him since he heard Magnus was missing. It was because he refused to believe that Magnus was no longer here, living in the same world as him. For that reason, Alec didn’t have the courage to visit Magnus’ grave.

Jace and Izzy retrieved his belonging from Magnus’ apartment few months ago. Boxes of his belonging still placed perfectly in his bedroom. He never opened those boxes. No matter how much he missed Magnus.

Blinking his eyes, he noticed it’s already lunch break. He stood up, clearing his desk from unnecessary paperwork and reports, then took his coat from a hanger by the door.

His seraph blades.

He sighed. _How could he forget?_ He turned around to pick his seraph blades on a small drawer near his bow and arrow. He put them on his thigh strap holder then proceeded to leave his room.

The wind on early December was as unforgiving as November. Alec tighten his coat and strolled his way to the cemetery, of course with a bouquet of flowers for Magnus.

As always, he was the only person alive at the cemetery. Not that he minded but sometimes his go-to florist staff always gives him a sad smile whenever he comes. He sighed as he arrived on Magnus’ grave.

“Hello, it’s me again,” Alec said, crouching as he put the bouquet next to the tombstone, which already surrounded from his bouquets from another day. He made a mental note to put away those bouquets which had been withered. “Nothing has been interesting this morning. And i was too worked up to do anything today because... you know why.”

He stared at his name, embossed in capital letter. “Why did you visit me last night?”

Only gush of winds answered his question.

Alec checked his surrounding only to find he was still alone. And so, he raised his seraph blades to his arms. He already rolled his coat and shirt underneath it to his elbow, and his gaze locked on a few thin white scars across his wrist.

The seraph blades felt cold upon contact with his skin. His hand shook and somehow, he didn’t feel like it. It was unethical for him to cut himself open in front of his grave. His shoulder dropped and he put his blades back inside his strap. He waited for another minute before he uttered the next question.

“You’ll visit me again tonight, won’t you?”, Alec fidgeted. Last night encounter really put him off guard for half the day. “Please come back, Magnus. We do really need to talk.”

He sighed. Let’s just pray Magnus would hear that.

“I’ll see you tonight, Magnus.”

____

The night was still young, but Alec already cleared up his business for the night. After bidding good night to his siblings, he changed his outfit to a loose t-shirt and black jogging pants. He was more than ready to see him again.

His seraph blades glowed faint blue when it made a cut on his pale skin. It hurt, but he really needed Magnus. He made a few more incision on his right arms. He had a high tolerance pain but he couldn’t stifle a gasp of pain every time he cuts to deep.

The bandage from yesterday soaked red as he got no time to change dressing. He got quite light headed as he cuts more until the middle of both forearms.

_Where is he?_

Alec’s body slumped beside his bed to the ground. He stared at his almost mutilated arms and he scoffed.

Of course, Magnus won’t visit him. It was just a one-time thing. Maybe he really just want to say goodbye to Alec. He tried to swallow the lump on his throat. He refused to cry.

Typical Alec. Always having a high expectation on the impossible.

There were small blood pools coming from his forearms and he turned his back to the nightstand, opening his drawer to find gauzes and bandages. He didn’t bother to use his stele because what was the point to harm himself if the evidence of it would be gone in seconds. He needed a reminder for his mistake. Healing the mundane way was his only choice.

“Oh, Alexander, what happened to you?”

Shit.

He turned slowly, and there he was standing in front of Alec. He stood up hastily, forgetting to heal himself and he marches to Magnus. He took Magnus’ hand but it was futile. He was transparent and Alec couldn’t touch him.

Sobs wracked his body as took everything in. He shook his head, implying that Magnus need not to worry.

“Magnus, I’m sorry for leaving you that day,” he whimpered. Magnus simply nodded and he smiled at Alec, the one Nephilim he loved so much.

“You don’t need to apologize,” Magnus cupped Alec’s face. Alec couldn’t feel anything but it was alright. “I heard everything you said when you visited me on my birthday.”

Alec blinked his tears away. His eyes widened. “Y-you heard?” Magnus nodded. “You were really there?” he asked again.

Magnus let a tear slipped down his eyes and he breathy laughed. “I was there, literally beside you. Hugging you with everything I can as you broke down on my grave.” He sniffled.

“I missed you so much, dear Alexander.”

Alec’s hand covered his mouth as he weeps in silent. “You have no idea how much time I spent to search on you. I was so worried a-and I was so shocked when Izzy and Jace told me t-that you were dead.”

Magnus smiled apologetically, he turned his back and glided around his Alexander’s room. “I wasn’t planning to die on your birthday, Alexander,” Magnus said. “After you left, I wasn’t in a good place. I went out to drink and turned out it was poisoned.”

Alec gasped but he didn’t say anything. He was too surprised that his tears stop streaming. Magnus was poisoned?

“It didn’t leave any trace on me even Catarina couldn’t trace it with her magic,” His smile faltered as he recalled those memories. “It was very painful, Alec, and I had to put a spell on myself to relax. But that poison made my magic unstable and so, all of my muscles relaxed, my lungs and heart included.”

“I-I didn’t know…” Alec trailed off. “I’m sorry Magnus, because of me you were poisoned.”

“Shush, my dear. I’ve lived long enough and I didn’t regret anything, except….” His eyes trailed down and Alec, who were confused, gazed along following Magnus’ eyes.

Oh.

His bleeding arms.

“Um, I can explain, Magnus.”

“Alexander, why did you do it? I don’t want you to waste your life away.”

“It was just an experiment, Magnus,” Alec exasperatedly explained. “Alright I admit that I wanted to give up, but yesterday I was just found out that when I cut myself, you made an appearance. And today I just want to try again if I was hallucinating yesterday or not.”

Magnus looked down and gulped.

“Alexander,” Magnus said in a broken voice. “Promise me you won’t do this ever again.”

“But why?” Alec insisted. His fists clenched. “Don’t you want to see me again?”

“Oh, Alexander. Of course, I want to see you again,” Magnus cooed. “But we can meet again until when your time is up. You still have a long life ahead. The institute and your family need you, they need your guidance.”

Alec shook his head and took one step back. “Then what about me? I need you too, Magnus.”

Magnus took a deep breath and exhale a shuddering breath. “As much as I need you, Alexander, we’re no longer living in the same world. You’re a living being and I’m rotting away below the ground.”

“So, you want to leave me again?”

Magnus’s eyes welled with tears and his breath hitched. “I don’t really have a choice, do I?”

Alec shook his head. Tears kept falling down his cheeks. “Then can I have one last wish, Magnus? As a parting gift?”

“Anything, Alexander.”

“Please hug me, again,” Alec’s voice cracked. “I don’t care if I can’t feel you, but I miss being in your arms.”

Without any warning, Magnus lurched toward his Alexander. Alec’s eyes were closed as he clutched to Magnus tightly and he was surprised. He could actually touch Magnus. He materialized himself.

Magnus realized when he heard Alec wailing and could feel Alec’s t-shirt and Magnus rubbed a circular motion on Alec’s back and both of them were sobbing.

“I’ll miss you, Magnus.”

“Thank you, Alexander. For everything.” He said as he caressed Alec’s back. He felt warm. Alec still loves him despite everything.

“You’ll always live inside my heart.”

And just a second later, Magnus disappeared.

Forever.

He fell to the ground looking at the spot where Magnus’ stood just not too long ago.

The pain on his heart overpowered the pain on his arms.

And he wasn’t sure if he would ever recover.

___

It’s been two weeks since their last meeting, and Alec refrained himself from cutting again. He had gone even quieter than ever. People start talking behind his back because Alec didn’t visit his grave again. They were speculating Alec already over his late boyfriend. He scoffed. He would never get over this. He loved Magnus too much to let him go, even though Magnus was the one who told Alec to let him go.

Shadowhunters don’t celebrate Christmas Eve. That’s why he dismissed everyone beside the security. Even he told his siblings to go spend their Christmas with their loved ones. They were reluctant at first but Alec lectured them, to spend their time with them. He left the part where he’d say ‘or they would end up like him.’

He waved them goodbye and told them to rest. He sighed. It’s weird seeing the main hallway and ops center devoid of shadowhunters. But he paid no mind and he continued his journey back to his bedroom.

Because tonight, he will spend his Christmas Eve with Magnus.

He knew his chance to meet Magnus were slim, but there was no harm to try. Magnus’ touch on his back still lingered and he missed him so much.

He recklessly slashed his arms open, blood oozing out from it. His heart thumped really fast. He looked around, waiting for Magnus to come.

“Magnus, I know you’ll come eventually,” His voice boomed. But Magnus still won’t appear.

He sliced again just a few centimeters from the first incision, from his wrist to the crook of the elbow.

Alec cursed; the cut was too deep. He ran to his bedside table, but his lightheadedness made him swayed and fell in front of his bed. His stele was too far away for him to reach. And he could see black spot danced from the corner of his eyes.

No.

He can’t die yet.

Alec’s eyes dampen with tears. He hit the floor with his fist over and over.

“Please, Magnus,” he croaked out. “I won’t bother you again… Just let me… see you….”

“Alexander.”

Alec’s visions were blurred with tears, but he could see his dead lover’s shadow and he would never forget his voice.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I can’t see myself living in this world, Magnus. Not without you.”

He was tired. But the way Magnus’ fingers brushing his hair away from his head was really comforting.

“Let’s leave, Alexander.”

Alec let a soft smile as his eyes fluttered close. He was happy. He was back in Magnus’ arms.

“Okay.”

On Christmas day, The New York Institute mourned their Head of Institute, who followed his dead lover to the afterlife.

Their love was so strong that even death couldn’t tear them apart.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading this fic. Tell me did you cry reading this one? Do you think I need to write from Magnus’ POV? please do leave kudos, bookmark, and comment if you like~
> 
> I wrote the sixth theme  here  or simply by clicking this for complete collection. 
> 
> Sorry I was in a bad mood yesterday so I posted today, but we had enough angst already and on the eighth theme, Therapy, Malec are healing themselves and we’re going to heal as well! Coming up on October 24th. See you later!


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